Over...

Minsan, sa aking paghahalungkat ng gamit, may nakita akong interisadong bagay. Hindi ko naman sadya, ngunit ako'y napangiti (parang baliw). Muli ko nanaman kaseng nakita ang isang kwadernong matagal ko nang itinago at di ko na napaginteresaduhang buklatin pa. Ito'y makapal na libreta, kulay asul at may magandang disenyo. Ito ang aking aklat-sulatan tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas. Hindi naman ito ordinaryong kwaderno, hindi ito basta sulatan lamang ng pangalan ko sa iba't-ibang istilo, computation ng iba't-ibang formula sa Mathematics, kopyahan ng lesson sa araw-araw o kaya'y props para sabihing may notebook ako at masipag ako mag-aral. Ito ay isang aklat-talaan ng aking nakaraan, ng aking emosyon, ng aking damdamin. Ito ang kwadernong naging sandalan ko noong ako ay walang makausap, naging takbuhan ko kapag nais nang tumulo ng aking luha.

Muli kong binuklat ang kwadernong matagal ko nang winalang-bahala, isa-isa kong binuksan muli ang bawat pahina. Nais ko lamang tignan kung gaano ba talaga koh ka-"emo" noong mga panahong iyon at ito ang isa sa mga humila ng aking atensyon:

March 09, 2009

Its Not Over

Its been 8 months and 23 days since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I experienced severe pain and acute sadness, I passed through a long process of recovery- crying, reminiscing, letting go. I thought the process was already done but that conclusion is a very big mistake... I'm not yet over with that tragic love story.

I always say that "I'm fine", "I moved on already", "I don't love him anymore", just to make myself believe that everything is okay now, but I can't understand how... how can I pretend like this? It doesn't help me or doesn't make me feel better either. I tried to become more sociable because maybe, having more friends can help... but I was wrong!!! It didn't ease the pain.

I don't know the reason why these emotions are still hanging in my mind. I want to talk to him, I want him to be my friend, but every time I see him, my knees are shaking and my heart is aching. It seems like someone is crumpling it like a dirty scratch paper thrown in a trash can because of the unsatisfied thoughts of the writer, I'm a scratch paper who once thought that everything is final, there is nothing to be changed nor replaced but didn't notice that the author would eventually change his mind, erasure and mistakes happened, and so, the clean paper turned into scratch, shattered into many small pieces and thrown away, far away, from the writer of my love story. I thought that somebody can easily fixed it, but I was wrong, because I noticed that there is still a missing part, a very important part that was left from my destroyer.. my HOPE of being loved back again. I can't hardly believe it, my nightmare is not over.

Every time I hear any goodbye songs, his face with our memories are entering my mind. Actually, when I remember him, just him without the memories, I always question myself why did I fall inlove with him? How can a good for nothing person catches my heart? He is nothing compared to my other ex-boyfriends, but when memories are already haunting me, I realized that he's still the reason why i'm broken inside.

Sometimes, I want to have some fun, make some frivolous relationships just to deprive myself from stupidity that captures not only my brain, but also my heart and my life. I want to try, but how? I'm still vulnerable... I can't because it's not worth it, and it can only increase the unhealed wounds. It will not satisfy me. 

I know, I'm still in grief, I don't love him anymore... Yes... Indeed... but I can't move on from that tragic break up, leaving me in the middle of our anniversary. I still don't know how crazy he was that time when he did that. Grudge?!?! I already planned it, but I can't, maybe God doesn't want me to make another mistake, that maybe the reason why I can't find a way to hurt him back.

Yes, maybe sad, but I'm not weak. I'm stronger than before. I still believe that everything happens for some good reasons. Perhaps someday I'll be okay and this shattered scratch paper that was once a trash can be, and will be somebody's treasure.

FYNELAH

Ganyan katindi ang pagkabigo ko sa pag-ibig noon, yung tipong akala ko lahat na ng love songs sa kanya ko na nadedicate at wala na natitira pa para sa ibang lalake, pero sabi ko nga sa bandang dulo, "everything happens for some good reasons". Sabi nga nila, binibigay daw ng Diyos satin ang isang tao sa magandang dahilan at inaalis sa mas magandang dahilan. Totoo naman talaga.

Kaya para sa lahat ng bigo sa pag-ibig at mabibigo pa lang, wag kayo matakot na damahin ang salitang "move on". Hindi naman siguro nabuo ang salitang iyan kung wala lang diba. Makakaraos din, tiwala lang.

kimiefynelah